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October 22, 2012
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I first see Neal across the open sparkle mall floor, paused in serious contemplation thought speaking solely to self, whispers not for ears or voices only thoughts, shining thoughts, open thoughts thinking marvelous wonders of books and dust and corporate-but-not bookstores.  His hair is green not really but blue and green pirate green, red bandanna is he a pirate? asks the little girl with pigtails and chocolate snot embarrassed mother shoo be nice that's rude tugging hand with look of so sorry, she's five, not smart enough yet, please forgive and Neal with open half-grin smiling not really there but almost, not speaking but almost, not accepting or forgiving or out-loud speaking but just shelving, shelving, shelving.

And when I stretch across open sparkle-sparkle tile mall floor (checked with gum and scuffed tile and not-allowed skateboards) Neal looks up, somewhat barely, face open innocent quiet not-there.  I ask applications? Are you hiring? because I need a job but not really, no, asking because Neal has green but really blue but really bleached-once-black, maybe brown hair and a red bandanna and a Buddha smile.

A happy society must be created by people themselves,
not through prayer alone, but by taking action.


says our Buddha incarnate so I take action, take the application, sit on the twisted wire sliced cushion bench and take action.  A man-boy on cobblestone bumping skateboard with stickers and snears skates by flash emptiness blankness and Neal shelving shelving now far in back invisible just splash of green not green but blue hair dancing bobbing over the sex books.  I fill in the blanks, maybe lying a little, need to answer take action Are you hiring? Yes, please.  Neal's hair waltzing bobs and I can't see the form, can't the paper the runny pen the smear Pollock blobs references? No references.  Buddha incarnate and Keith's Dad he won't call, pirates don't call don't check references.

Neal glides never steps step softly, ghost is commandment number the first, takes the runny ink Pollock blob paper doesn't look says

"Yeah, we need holiday people still.  Can't guarantee you a position after New Year's, but we haven't had too much interest so....Can you start Monday?"
Submitted before I panic and decide never to post anything ever again.

This is kinda the style I'm hoping to go with for my NaNoWriMo project; I figure stream-of-consciousness is the only way to get me to throw my inhibitions to the wind and just freaking write. This was inspired by Kerouac's Doctor Sax, and is therefore possibly as utterly incomprehensible as that novel is. That said…

Questions:

1. Is it too confusing to enjoy?
2. Did you get a sense of the characters?
3. Is Neal’s dialogue too abrupt?

part of Sings the Mourning Dove

sidenote: the quote is a tweet by the Dalai Lama.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2012-12-14
An uninhibited stream of consciousness allows the reader to seamlessly enter into the mindset of the narrator in Boylan Books by *anapests-and-ink also suggested by *UnspecifiedUnknown ( Suggested by doughboycafe and Featured by Nichrysalis )
:iconpearwood:
pearwood Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Starting at the beginning.
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:iconfilly8:
Filly8 Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Speaking of stream of concious novels check out the novel Artist of the Floating World. Very stream of concious-y :)
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:iconanapests-and-ink:
anapests-and-ink Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It looks like a fantastic read, but it doesn't strike me as being particularly stream-of-consciousness. :-?
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:iconfilly8:
Filly8 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It very much is. At least as far as i understand stream of concious ^^; We went over the novel in my Great works of Literature class. One of my professors main points was that it followed his stream of concious.
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, congratulations! (Again ^_^) A worthy DD :w00t:
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:iconanapests-and-ink:
anapests-and-ink Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Completely shocked, believe me.
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your work always deserves to be shown to a wider audience :heart:
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:iconbhojop:
BHOJOP Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012
I liked it, but I think you'd need more punctuation - I know our thoughts don't have punctuation, but it's a necessary device in order to fit it into the constructs of language. Some parts of this was confusing for me as it stretched on and on and on.

That said, people enjoy different kinds of stream-of-consciousness narratives, and some people not at all. Perhaps I just enjoy the more lucid ones.
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:iconanapests-and-ink:
anapests-and-ink Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I seem to drift in and out of punctuation, here. Definitely something that needs a second look; thank you!
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:iconriparii:
riparii Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012
Good read, it has color, noise, tension, wit and romance.
Works really well. Congratulations.
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:iconanapests-and-ink:
anapests-and-ink Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, I'm so glad the romance came out! And thank you. :heart:
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the well deserved DD! :heart:
Have a nice day! : )
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:iconanapests-and-ink:
anapests-and-ink Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
My pleasure :happybounce:
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:iconsmkmybwl:
smkmybwl Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012
was enthraweld within the first two lines, far proceeds my enlightened thought process. I didn't get lost and hope you might be able to criticize my work for i am just am weekend worrior and could use an unbiased opinion!
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:iconanapests-and-ink:
anapests-and-ink Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Shoot me a note with some stuff that you would like critiqued. :)
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:iconcatluvr2:
catluvr2 Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
That was cool. Congrats on the DD! :+favlove:
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:iconanapests-and-ink:
anapests-and-ink Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :heart:
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:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012
Brilliant piece. Congratulations on your D.D!!
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:iconanapests-and-ink:
anapests-and-ink Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012  Professional Writer
Looong overdue reply, please forgive, NaNo ate my soul.

Ok, first: WOW. Really wow. I followed it, and the stream of consciousness gave it this wonderful musical quality. It was like I was reading jazz. It was so cool. I've never really had any exposure to stream of consciousness writing before so it was a really cool experience to read!

No references. Buddha incarnate and Keith's Dad he won't call, pirates don't call don't check references. love this line love it so hard.

1. No, not at all, since I definitely enjoyed it!
2. yes, the description was very clear and there was a lot of repetition, if not of word, of themes or images that were associated with each person. I think I understand Neal a lot as Pirate Buddha.
3. No, it was awesome because it broke me right out of the jazz, carrying-me flow kind of like some final drum beats or something. it didn't seem jarring to me, it just fit.
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:iconanapests-and-ink:
anapests-and-ink Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so glad you liked it! I did end up writing my whole NaNo thing in this style (about these characters, in fact), so the fact that it works is a big relief.

(sorry for the shortness/lateness of this reply; apparently my brain is still fried)
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Professional Writer
Don't I know it. I'm still in the mental recovery ward, too o_O
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:iconpearwood:
pearwood Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I like it. It made me smile.

The jolting words at the end remind us that Neal really does inhabit reality; the stream of thought reveries are the narrator's.
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:iconanapests-and-ink:
anapests-and-ink Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, good! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm slightly surprised that I love this. (Wait... ^^") I wouldn't have thought stream-of-consciousness would be my sort of thing. (Have only read "On the Road". Never even heard of "Doctor Sax" ^^") There's a wonderful fluency to it, a poetry I suppose.

1. Again, I'm rather taken aback - it's not confusing in the slightest. I had to pay attention but I easily followed what was going on.

2. The characters are really well drawn - Neal and the narrator, of course, but also the incidental characters. I could see them all ^^

3. Can I disagree with *beeinthebottle ? ^^" I didn't think Neal's dialogue was abrupt. It felt suitable - we're coming out of the narrator's head and Neal is coming out of his head, and they're meeting in the outside world. I don't agree that "you got the job" is too "pat". Offering the job immediately seems to fit in with Neal's personality. The narrator takes action and asks for a job; Neal takes action and offers the job. I think the story is about youth and hope. Neal and the narrator see and recognise something in each other.

Good luck with NaNoWriMo! And don't panic.
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:iconanapests-and-ink:
anapests-and-ink Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"Doctor Sax" definitely isn't one of Kerouac's better known books. =D I found it through an anthology.

It seems that stream-of-consciousness it designed to be difficult to follow, and considering how opaque most of my stuff already is....I'm very glad you were able to.

I had no idea how Neal would come out. Most of the time, I have a very clear picture of a character in my head but I really struggle to get that to show up on the page. So the fact that you found them well-drawn really means a lot.

(and thank you for the fav! :heart:)
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:iconbeeinthebottle:
beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012   Writer
You may well be right. It's probably less the dialog itself than what's being said ("You have the job; start right away.")
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I still feel that what Neal says is appropriate for the story but I suppose every reader is going to interpret things differently. I'm just pleased you didn't mind me disagreeing with you ^_^
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:iconbeeinthebottle:
beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012   Writer
Disagree away. :) I don't find it inappropriate, per se. anapest asked in the comment box if it was "abrupt," which I think it is.
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:iconbeeinthebottle:
beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012   Writer
I like this a lot; I love the flow of the thoughts, the doubling and tripling back. The dialog pulls me out of the mood, though. It does feel too abrupt to me, and I think the ending ("can you start Monday?") is a little too pat for what comes before. I want a little more angst or something, something not as easy as "you got the job." The rest is a lovely swirl of images; you use repetition beautifully (I especially like how you keep coming back to the color of the guy's hair).

And I had no idea that the Dalai Lama tweeted.
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:iconanapests-and-ink:
anapests-and-ink Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Would switching out "can you start Monday" help?

And yes, the Dalai Lama tweets (or, at least, he has someone official tweet what he says for him). :heart:
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:iconbeeinthebottle:
beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012   Writer
For me, yes -- that's the only part that jolts, really.
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